Ill Will, Project Room

I grew up in a house of superstitions. Even though my mother claims she is Buddhist and my father an atheist, there were still many small but heeded house rules. Don’t put your head to the North when sleeping, as North is the direction of the dead. Hang a pack of red beans on the door as the color red will scare the evil spirits. Sprinkle salt on your body after unlucky events. Don’t step on the door threshold. Don’t shake your legs. Don’t cut your nails after dark. Don’t whistle. Don’t.

There were also precautions to take along with the endless rules. Amulets were put up around the house and sometimes even sewn inside clothes. We changed our names, phone numbers, and addresses. The goal was to keep the evil spirits and bad luck away. Minor mishaps were a price to keep a misfortune of a greater degree from happening. I followed my parent’s guidelines as there is no harm in following the rules, but there can be the harm in not following. However, the moments of questioning existed as well: what about fate?

Fate or palja, Korean folks say, is a big river you cannot swim against no matter how hard you try. When I failed an entrance exam to a school, when I broke up with my first ever boyfriend, when things just didn’t seem to work out, my parents would say to me, ‘it is not your palja. Forget it and move on.’ It was their way of consolation, saying that sometimes a result does not have much to do with my efforts.

What is the point of following all the do’s and don’ts if the future is beyond one’s control? How do I know if something is in my palja? That my hopes and dreams will come true? Is it possible to protest against the hopeless idea that my future is not in my limits? Koreans also say if one desires or acts against palja, one’s life will be full of suffering. Maybe the will of trying to be better off in the world is tainted in this way. The universe punishes those who want to be more than what they are allowed.

Ill Will is an exhibition about the beauty that can be found in fruitless efforts.